HELP! My Prose Assignment

[thatfallout3guy]

It was very good and I am posting to tell you to post more. Happy now?

[hachpo]

I really like the use of your metaphors and similes, especially in the first paragraph, and I like your use of personification. You seem to have a solid story there and it grabs my attention, although overwhelming, you deliver it well.

where it says: Go! Or do you want him to die?, i don't think that's punctually correct, and i think it would make more sense if you put: Go, or do you want him to die?, or: Go! Do you want him to die?, but I might be wrong but I'm sure your not supposed to start a sentence with a connective. Keep up the good work!

[ballerscuba]

Definitely a great opener, Finny. It definitely makes me want to read more. My only real critique is that the hook is a little dense, especially for a part that, without knowing the full story, only seems to set the scene at this point. Knowing you, I have a feeling that the bird will play a larger role in the story later on, but perhaps the entire journey doesn't need to be told at that point. Maybe told piece by piece throughout the adventure, either as a legend told by the people that the boy meets or as introductions to new areas as a way to open each chapter.

As for typos, I only saw one that I'm absolutely sure of and that is the period here:

"This faerie was silver haired and yellow eyed, and those eyes were the narrow, vertical pupils of snake or a cat: a predator’s eyes .The"

The phrases "silver haired," "yellow eyed," and "diamond shaped," I'm pretty sure need dashes in the middle, but I'm not certain.

Oh, and these lines:

"The boy glanced at his companions, eyes lingering on the faerie.
“Morvaryn…” his whisper broke the thick silence, and the sharp yellow eyes turned to him, betraying nothing."

I got a little confused there as to who was talking to whom and such, so maybe put "the faerie's sharp yellow eyes." It could just be me, though.

You did use the term "rent" twice, once for the dryad's face and once for the chasm. I only noticed that because I rarely see the term, but I don't think you meant a comparison between those two. That most likely won't be a problem, but that's my nit-picking item for the day.

In terms of demographics, I don't really see it as a kid's book. Possibly a preteen book, but that would still be pretty challenging and a little dark, possibly. I think it would be teenagers and up, mostly, depending on where you take it.

*looks around* Outside of that, *looks around again* you misspelled color. *runs off before British people yell at me.*