Post by kain17335 on Jan 14, 2012 17:26:20 GMT -5
This is the first part of a short story I'm working on and I wanted some feed back on it.
Nothing on spelling mistake though, they are there because my keyboard is breaking...
Dark World
In the far reaches of the unknown Segmentum Obcurus, lies the Eye Of Terror, a true testament to the power of the Lords Of Chaos...
This Warp torn part of the galaxy is the heart of where he legions of Chaos stretch's out it's long demented talons to planets all over the known galaxy, laying the seed of decent and insanity in the minds of the weak and feeble.
Within that tear of space lies the Daemon world Arkturas Duratanum, a deamon world ruled by the Chaos god Slaanesh, the god of self fulfillment and decadence, this world is a true testament to Slaanesh, the youngest of the God's Of Chaos, this young Daemon has become known as the Prince Of Pleasure,
In a Demonic bar on this most decadent of planets Lord Draska, a newly appointed Lord of Chaos, who only quite recently fulfilled the rite to have his own Legion of Chaos, THe Knights Of Sadism.
The Knight of Sadism, the legion that Lord Draska had created, were hand picked as the most sadistic and malicious of The Disrupted Legion's that once bore their banner's high, but when their leader's died, they went back to the Eye Of Terror rather than start their own legion.
The bar was lit dimly by a chandelier with purple flames and skulls that still seemed to have little red glows in the sockets as if they still a little spark of life left in them...
As Lord Draska sat in his throne, spoke with a gruff Demonic voice that could turn a man insane. -"Deamon spawn! Bring me another keg of red drink!"
One Daemonette stood, and spoke in a tranquil but malevolent voice.
-"Very well master, I live only to serve~"
-"Good, maybe I won't sacrifice you after all!"
Draska said in a rather malicious tone, the surrounding cultists laughed accordingly, full knowing if they didn't, Draska may find a sacrifice anyway.....
As Draska was drinking as cultist walked through the bar door and knelt solemnly in front of him, bowing it's head in the presence of a Lord,the Cultist seemed...fearful of Draska.
The Cultist spoke in a high pitched and nervous tone, like if he spoke word out of place he would surely not see the outside of this bar ever again....
-"My-my lord.... I bring news from the unholy heavens..."
-"THEN SPEAK GURN, BEFORE I TIRE OF YOU'RE PRESENCE!"
Draska banged the keg against the floor, spilling whatever red beverage that was once contained in it all over the cultist's body while he quivered in terror.
-"Sor-sorcerer Orcina ne-needs you, he say's it's of a matter of Ligarda Prime...."
The Cultist tried to stay still while awaited his order's, yet still shivered with fear of his master's angered tone.
-"Hmmm, very well Cultist, bring me my Champion!"
Daska stood, drawing his bolt pistol and checking if it still worked, he turned to a lowly cultist who was dining with a fellow follower of Chaos. He aimed at the cultist and fired, his brains splattering against the side of the other follower's armour.
The other Cultist's laughed hysterically, one even rolled on the floor, only to roll next to a Deamonette who was only too happy to make use of him.
The Daemonette spoke in an unholy tongue, that seemed to ring through the minds of the people in the bar, making the cultist, who was still laughing, float in the air with a dark purple glow that began to emanate from his body.
-"N-NOOHAHA NOO PLE-AAHAH-PLEASE DON'T HAAAHAA-"
As he let out his final shriek of laughter, the Daemonette threw her hand down, smashing the cultist against the stone floor, sending blood and organs across the bar, in the blood pool still lay black spore's that sank into the ground, opening a rift to the Warp.
A disembodied voice came from the dark depth's of The Immaterium, saying only: -
"What is your will my lord?"
As the voice came from the portal a large Chaos Space Marine leaped out with 2 chainswords in his hands, and a long tentacle like tongue that stretched out through a hole in the champions helmet.
-"CARTERUS, ORCINA HAS USE FOR US ON LIGARDA PRIME...."
Just as the Lord Draska spoke, the dark portal to the Warp closed, leaving only a slightly darker tone on the ground where it once was.
Carterus' tongue returned into the darkness of the Space Marine's black helmet. The man knelt, his chainswords whirred as they formed an X shape across his chest.
- "I shall gather the legion, might this be a good time to test the Litany Of Fury?"
Draska stood there, pondering wither he should use the Litany of Fury, a ship that was found drifting near the Cadien Gate, Draska was lucky that he found it as it had already caught the eye of many other aspiring champions, trying to make a name for themselves.
-"YEES, IT WOULD BE A WORTHY TEST FOR MY NEW FOUND FLAGSHIP. Draska looked down at the still knelt and quivering cultist.
-"BUT WHAT OF THIS ONE? HE SEEMS LOYAL ENOUGH..."
The champion stood up, his arm's falling too his side. "I'm sure I can find a use for this one my lord, there are still rite's that need to be done for the ship to have 'His' blessing.."
-"VERY WELL. DAEMON, COME. WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE GOOD DOCTOR."
Draska turned to leave the bar, his Daemonette following him seductively as she passed numerous cultists' and Chaos Space Marines, even eyeing a rather 'well built' Space Marine, scraping a claw against his armour, making a slight metallic screech that rang through the room.
Draska grabbed the Daemon by the arm.
-"YOU ARE MINE, AND MINE ALONE... TAKE CARE TO REMEMBER THAT!"
The Daemonette winked at the Space Marine. "As you wish. My master...."
As Draska left, the champion turned his gaze to the humble cultist.
-"Hmmm, you may stand, Gurn...."
The cultist stood, bowing slightly in the presence of it's superior. "Th-thank you, my lord."
Carterus ushered the Cultist out of the bar.
-"Come, we have work to do..."
The Cultist left with Carterus in the opposite direction of Draska, towards the warp portal to The Litany Of Fury, to begin the dark rite's that will guide them through the warp to Ligarda Prime.....
Arkturas used to be a world under the power of the Imperium Of Man, it was a small mining world covered in ancient chapels and Cathedrals... No longer are these most sacred of places filled with the holy psalms and hymns' of the Imperium, these places have now been desecrated by innumerable unnatural rites and sacrifices that have left the ground red with dried blood and gore, it is here that the Master Sorcerer Orcina worked in the once great and holy temple of Uzeria, and ancient paragon of the Imperium who had fought countless battles against the enemies of mankind, only to be sacrificed himself to turn a former Lord of Chas in the on of the most hated enemies of mankind....A Daemon Prince......
Nothing on spelling mistake though, they are there because my keyboard is breaking...
Dark World
In the far reaches of the unknown Segmentum Obcurus, lies the Eye Of Terror, a true testament to the power of the Lords Of Chaos...
This Warp torn part of the galaxy is the heart of where he legions of Chaos stretch's out it's long demented talons to planets all over the known galaxy, laying the seed of decent and insanity in the minds of the weak and feeble.
Within that tear of space lies the Daemon world Arkturas Duratanum, a deamon world ruled by the Chaos god Slaanesh, the god of self fulfillment and decadence, this world is a true testament to Slaanesh, the youngest of the God's Of Chaos, this young Daemon has become known as the Prince Of Pleasure,
In a Demonic bar on this most decadent of planets Lord Draska, a newly appointed Lord of Chaos, who only quite recently fulfilled the rite to have his own Legion of Chaos, THe Knights Of Sadism.
The Knight of Sadism, the legion that Lord Draska had created, were hand picked as the most sadistic and malicious of The Disrupted Legion's that once bore their banner's high, but when their leader's died, they went back to the Eye Of Terror rather than start their own legion.
The bar was lit dimly by a chandelier with purple flames and skulls that still seemed to have little red glows in the sockets as if they still a little spark of life left in them...
As Lord Draska sat in his throne, spoke with a gruff Demonic voice that could turn a man insane. -"Deamon spawn! Bring me another keg of red drink!"
One Daemonette stood, and spoke in a tranquil but malevolent voice.
-"Very well master, I live only to serve~"
-"Good, maybe I won't sacrifice you after all!"
Draska said in a rather malicious tone, the surrounding cultists laughed accordingly, full knowing if they didn't, Draska may find a sacrifice anyway.....
As Draska was drinking as cultist walked through the bar door and knelt solemnly in front of him, bowing it's head in the presence of a Lord,the Cultist seemed...fearful of Draska.
The Cultist spoke in a high pitched and nervous tone, like if he spoke word out of place he would surely not see the outside of this bar ever again....
-"My-my lord.... I bring news from the unholy heavens..."
-"THEN SPEAK GURN, BEFORE I TIRE OF YOU'RE PRESENCE!"
Draska banged the keg against the floor, spilling whatever red beverage that was once contained in it all over the cultist's body while he quivered in terror.
-"Sor-sorcerer Orcina ne-needs you, he say's it's of a matter of Ligarda Prime...."
The Cultist tried to stay still while awaited his order's, yet still shivered with fear of his master's angered tone.
-"Hmmm, very well Cultist, bring me my Champion!"
Daska stood, drawing his bolt pistol and checking if it still worked, he turned to a lowly cultist who was dining with a fellow follower of Chaos. He aimed at the cultist and fired, his brains splattering against the side of the other follower's armour.
The other Cultist's laughed hysterically, one even rolled on the floor, only to roll next to a Deamonette who was only too happy to make use of him.
The Daemonette spoke in an unholy tongue, that seemed to ring through the minds of the people in the bar, making the cultist, who was still laughing, float in the air with a dark purple glow that began to emanate from his body.
-"N-NOOHAHA NOO PLE-AAHAH-PLEASE DON'T HAAAHAA-"
As he let out his final shriek of laughter, the Daemonette threw her hand down, smashing the cultist against the stone floor, sending blood and organs across the bar, in the blood pool still lay black spore's that sank into the ground, opening a rift to the Warp.
A disembodied voice came from the dark depth's of The Immaterium, saying only: -
"What is your will my lord?"
As the voice came from the portal a large Chaos Space Marine leaped out with 2 chainswords in his hands, and a long tentacle like tongue that stretched out through a hole in the champions helmet.
-"CARTERUS, ORCINA HAS USE FOR US ON LIGARDA PRIME...."
Just as the Lord Draska spoke, the dark portal to the Warp closed, leaving only a slightly darker tone on the ground where it once was.
Carterus' tongue returned into the darkness of the Space Marine's black helmet. The man knelt, his chainswords whirred as they formed an X shape across his chest.
- "I shall gather the legion, might this be a good time to test the Litany Of Fury?"
Draska stood there, pondering wither he should use the Litany of Fury, a ship that was found drifting near the Cadien Gate, Draska was lucky that he found it as it had already caught the eye of many other aspiring champions, trying to make a name for themselves.
-"YEES, IT WOULD BE A WORTHY TEST FOR MY NEW FOUND FLAGSHIP. Draska looked down at the still knelt and quivering cultist.
-"BUT WHAT OF THIS ONE? HE SEEMS LOYAL ENOUGH..."
The champion stood up, his arm's falling too his side. "I'm sure I can find a use for this one my lord, there are still rite's that need to be done for the ship to have 'His' blessing.."
-"VERY WELL. DAEMON, COME. WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE GOOD DOCTOR."
Draska turned to leave the bar, his Daemonette following him seductively as she passed numerous cultists' and Chaos Space Marines, even eyeing a rather 'well built' Space Marine, scraping a claw against his armour, making a slight metallic screech that rang through the room.
Draska grabbed the Daemon by the arm.
-"YOU ARE MINE, AND MINE ALONE... TAKE CARE TO REMEMBER THAT!"
The Daemonette winked at the Space Marine. "As you wish. My master...."
As Draska left, the champion turned his gaze to the humble cultist.
-"Hmmm, you may stand, Gurn...."
The cultist stood, bowing slightly in the presence of it's superior. "Th-thank you, my lord."
Carterus ushered the Cultist out of the bar.
-"Come, we have work to do..."
The Cultist left with Carterus in the opposite direction of Draska, towards the warp portal to The Litany Of Fury, to begin the dark rite's that will guide them through the warp to Ligarda Prime.....
Arkturas used to be a world under the power of the Imperium Of Man, it was a small mining world covered in ancient chapels and Cathedrals... No longer are these most sacred of places filled with the holy psalms and hymns' of the Imperium, these places have now been desecrated by innumerable unnatural rites and sacrifices that have left the ground red with dried blood and gore, it is here that the Master Sorcerer Orcina worked in the once great and holy temple of Uzeria, and ancient paragon of the Imperium who had fought countless battles against the enemies of mankind, only to be sacrificed himself to turn a former Lord of Chas in the on of the most hated enemies of mankind....A Daemon Prince......